You can’t change the abuser.
I know you want to but you cant. I know that you desire him to go back to the person that you first met; the one you gave your heart to. You want the man you envisioned in your dreams and for him to reach his full potential. If he could just be who you want him to be then maybe, just maybe you both can live happily. Maybe just maybe you can finally receive love that will fill the brokenness inside of you. Instead of walking away, you stay convincing yourself that you have the power to change your abuser.
You don’t have that kind of power. You can’t force people to change or control how a person chooses to live, think and behave. People have to want to change and come to a deeper level of introspection. Many people choose to remain where they are comfortable even if that means being a malignant abuser, for some, that way of living is their peace and normalcy. Your love cannot change them, it will only give them more ammunition to abuse, manipulate and traumatize you.
Abusers thrive on control and power, anything less is veered as weakness. If they did decide to change it would take a significant sacrifice on their end causing them to forfeit their misconceived belief of unattainable power over those they perceive subservient to them; and that would be too much of a loss. This is why no matter how much you love them they cannot reciprocate. They need to always be one step ahead; this is vital for their self preservation and one cannot build a sustainable life with someone who seeks to dismantle the very foundation of love which is built on trust, humility and selfless sacrifice. Your love for them cannot make them love you any better and their inability to love you has nothing to do with you.
The abuser and the victim share one thing in common, they both seek control but in different means. While the abuser seeks power for their own selfish benefit inflicting harm on their victim; the victim seeks control by believing they can change the abuser to reflect who they desire them to be, congruently inflicting harm on themselves. The victim believes they can manipulate this dysfunctional partnership through perpetual efforts of selflessness while ignoring the reality in front of them. The victim stays even while being afflicted because of their belief that they have the power to help the abuser change. This belief further enables the abuser to continue in their degenerate behavior without consequence.
Perhaps you are convincing yourself that you’re needed in the process of the abusers healing and deliverance but you’re not. You have believed the lie that your abuser just needs more time but they don’t. You are wondering if you should change yourself to win their approval but you don’t. You have made their unrepentant sins, their unhealed childhood trauma, and their abusive actions your life’s purpose to solve; while forsaking your own God given purpose. You have made your abuser an idol and have made yourself their god.
This is why you’re soul is depleted, head foggy and your heart perturbed. You have taken on an assignment that was not delegated to you and it has stripped you of your peace. You have taken weight that was never meant for you to carry and now you have buckled or are buckling under all the pressure. Your stubbornness and pride has gotten the best of you and God is patiently waiting for you relinquish control.
The highest form of love we can show to ourselves and to an abuser is the act of surrender. Letting go of the desired outcome and allowing the abuser to choose their own path is you choosing Gods path of freedom and wholeness. Aborting the need to be the savior in someone else’s story gives God the glory and relinquishing your misconceived purpose will allow you to step into new beginnings.
Maybe the abuser will change or maybe they wont. Perhaps they will seek to find internal peace, heartfelt repentance and Godliness or they may continually go down a path of self destruction. No matter the outcome, you have no control over it and regardless of your personal desires, you have no control over it. The only person you can control is you and that begins when you accept that abusers don’t need you to save them, they only need Jesus.